the day before

Today is the four year anniversary of the last day that I would consider life normal. 

It wasn't May 18th, the day before Lucy was diagnosed with cancer, because even in that moment life -- although different from the path we would have chosen-- was still on a normal path.

It was just our new normal.

But today, our day to day seemingly continued along the new path. 

The kids were doing well with all the changes that the last 5 months had brought.

Ike was growing and learning despite his unusual daily surroundings.

Lucy was cancer free. 

She was healing.

To everyone involved in her case she was doing great.

We were all in a state of hope with how things were progressing.

Talking about what the future held.

The stories she would have to tell.

Conferring with her doctors about getting back home.

Planning her a huge birthday party to celebrate what she had overcome.

Nothing hinted that there could be any other path.

Tomorrow was supposed to be just another day.

She was going to finally get the damn tubes out and be able to speak.

We were supposed to finally be able to lay with her again.

Hold her.

Brush our cheeks against her soft, fuzzy head.

Even at 10, when her temperature was low, it didn't set off alarms. 

It was Goose being Goose, all part of our new normal.

It wouldn't be until early tomorrow morning that concern would begin to grow.

Concern that would quickly turn to panic.

And within hours it would all be over.

All hopes shattered.

Life was never going to be the same.

No more normal.

There is only everything that comes after.

A few favorites.

the void

the skies are gray
my heart is heavy
my mind is absent
the tears just fall

when did life become this
a monotonous cycle
day in and day out

plastered smiles
little genuine joy

sleeping is the high
dreams far superior
than the reality of life

the unfairness of it all
lows that just get lower
wins that never come

I need sunshine

year three

my sweet Lucy Selah
my goosey girl
my sunshine
you've now been gone from my arms longer than you were in them
and the unfairness of that all bears down on my soul

the world has moved on
new crisis, new drama
but I won't let your memory fade
I won't forget you
your beautiful brown eyes
your shocking blonde curls
those looks of yours
your cute baby voice
that sweet sass

I don't know why you had to suffer
I don't think I will ever fully understand any of it
you were so full of life
you had so much more to give
your brothers and sisters deserved more time
mom and dad needed more time

momma loves you forever and always
until we meet again
fly high, Goose

Lucy's 6th Birthday Memorial Donation and Blood Drive

We have discussed with Child Life and have decided that our donation this year will be HDMI blu-ray players and movies!! We would not have survived our months there had we not brought along our blu-ray player and movie collection from home. While PCH has dedicated movie channels, Lucy quickly grew bored of the limited options and often liked to only watch movies from the beginning (like most of us ha!). We want to be able to provide the same comfort to those still fighting by making players available to anyone who wants one.

Since supplying one to every room is not likely, our goal is to purchase 24 players and cords! Lofty, yes, but even if we fall short every single one we do manage to obtain will be so thoroughly appreciated. We will also do our traditional small goodie bag to be handed out to every patient on her birthday.

I have updated the birthday wish list on Amazon. There are a blu-ray player and HDMI cord listed as well as some movie ideas. If there are enough people interested in just donating funds to the effort I can begin a fundraiser. Please reach out if that is your preferred method of supporting the cause. 

I know we say it often, but I cannot fully express how grateful we are to those who continue to help us honor our Goosey girl. Phoenix Children's Hospital is always so appreciative of our donations, and those would only be possible with the help of Team Lucy Goose.

xoxo
Kim, Andy and the Bradford kidlets

If you would like to purchase an item to help with this year's birthday donation the amazon wishlist is located here >> Lucy Goose's Birthday Memorial

We will also be hosting our next blood drive on November 4, 2017 from 9AM-2PM. The drive will be located at Gateway Polytechnic Academy. For more details and to sign up visit Pints4Goose.com

Happy birth day, Lucy

Five years ago, shortly before the sun rose, on a Friday just like today I held my Lucy for the first time. Her birth wasn't quick or easy like her three older siblings; just as she would for the next 3 years, she did things her own way. From the moment she was in my arms my world shifted. Our connection, her piece of my soul, is unlike any of my other children.

Today, I want to choose to remember the beauty and the joy that her birth brought to my life. I want to honor the way she lived to her fullest every minute she was given on earth. Today I remember all her spunk, her beautiful blonde hair, her sweet smile, her glares and everything that made her my little Sunshine, my Lucy.

Today I honor your birth and your life and I promise to do my best to make it happy. Happy day of your birth, Goose. Fly free, baby girl.

Two years

Lucy Selah Bradford

November 4, 2011

Daughter, sister, cousin,

cartoon lover, Strawberry Shortcake addict,

silly face extraordinaire, pizza lover 

October 24, 2014

The last two years five months and 5 days have been filled with the hardest moments I have ever endured. There is so much more I want to say, but my heart just doesn't have the strength today. I love you, Goosey girl. And I can only hope to one day hold you in my arms again.

Two years ago...

Today, my Goose would have been celebrating two years of being cancer free.

I remember it all as crystal clear as the day it happened. The news being delivered unenthusiastically by our doctor--unaware that we had not yet been informed. The pure relief and joy that surged through my soul knowing we finally had a victory--- a solid, hard-fought victory under our belts.

The weeks of struggle and frustration, the hours of desperate prayer and cries for mercy, it had all finally brought us a win. 

Our princess, despite everyone's doubts, had not only achieved remission but she had done so with the drugs that were only used in hope that things would not get worse. The chemo that shouldn't have done it- did it.

There would be no more talks of palliative care, she had taken what was supposed to have been the hardest battle and kicked it's ass.

No where in our minds could we have ever foreseen that this victory, this battle against cancer, wasn't going to be the hardest.

Despite everything the last 12 weeks had tried to throw at her, how hard she fought to trudge out of the valley we would only get 6 weeks to celebrate on that mountain top before being plunged into an even deeper valley. An even deeper hell.

We had only 74 days to believe that cancer was the biggest enemy, and that she had defeated it... 74 days from the summer's greatest victory to the worst day of our lives.

74.

But my baby, she was nothing shy of a victorious warrior. Because she not only took out cancer, but she did with dignity and grace.

Maybe not always a smile on her face, but she was 100% true to herself.

So today I remember not only how short life truly is, and how quickly mountaintops can avalanche, but the beautiful and inspiring person that my Goose was.

My cancer-free warrior Sunshine.